Something shifts after June 15.
Before it, recruiting is mostly theoretical. Maintaining lists, writing emails, attending showcases and tournaments. The conversations haven’t started yet, so keeping a longer list feels like good strategy - you don’t know who’s going to come through, so you cast wide.
After it, the list gets shorter but the conversations become real. A college coach is texting you. She’s following up on your call, or asking when you’re available for a visit. There’s a real person on the other end now, investing real time in you.
And some of those people, if you’re being honest with yourself, you’re keeping warm not because you actually want to go there, but just in case.
Just in case the programs you actually want don’t come through. Just in case this ends up being the best option available. So you keep responding, you stay polite, you leave the door open.
I’ve seen this pattern come up constantly in conversations with families going through this moment. A school stays in the mix not because there’s genuine excitement about it, but because removing it feels like admitting something nobody’s quite ready to admit yet.
That’s understandable, but it comes with a cost many families don’t account for.
The real cost of ‘maybe’
Every hour you spend managing a relationship with a program you don’t genuinely want is an hour not spent on one you do.
Although that sounds obvious, it’s not as pronounced when you’re in the thick of it, because maintaining a maybe doesn’t feel like wasted time - it feels like responsible hedging.
We do this in life, not just in recruiting. Saying “maybe” to Friday night plans with a friend in case something better comes up. Being “fully committed” to your club team even though you’ve been asking your high school friends if theirs might be a better fit.
You convince yourself you’re not doing anything wrong; you’re just keeping options open.
But there are only so many hours in a recruiting process. The coach at the program you’re actually excited about is also talking to other recruits. The visit slots fill up, commits trickle in, roster spots close.
And the time you’re spending keeping a backup warm is time you could be going deeper with the programs that actually matter to you.
There’s also a cost to the coach on the other end. She’s investing real time in you - calls, texts, camp invites, visit planning. If you’re responding to all of it while knowing privately that you’d never choose her program if something better came through, that’s worth sitting with.
Not because you owe her a commitment, but because honesty tends to produce better outcomes for everyone in the long run.
A question worth asking yourself
I started using this as a gut check on consulting calls this summer, and it’s stuck with me since.
For each school you’re still in contact with, ask yourself:
Would I be genuinely excited to commit here tomorrow, or would I feel like I was settling?
Excited doesn’t mean perfect, but it means you’d say yes without needing to talk yourself into it. Settling means you’d say yes primarily because you’re afraid you’ll run out of options.
Most recruits know immediately which one they feel, but they may not have allowed themselves to say it out loud yet.
If a school is one you’re excited about - just tell them.
The reason this matters comes from a pattern I’ve seen in recruiting over and over: coaches assume interest based on continued contact, recruits assume coaches know they’re serious because they keep responding. Both sides are inferring rather than saying it plainly.
So if you’re truly excited about the school, let them know. I appreciate there’s a vulnerability to that, but it changes the dynamic immediately and puts the ball in their court. You’ll find out faster if the interest is reciprocated.
If a school feels like settling - you have two choices.
Either take it off your list and tell them you’re going in a different direction, which is uncomfortable but cleaner. Or be honest about what would need to change for it to become a yes, and whether that’s realistic.
What you don’t want to do is leave it in the middle indefinitely. That’s where processes stall out, coaches lose interest, and nobody gets what they want.
The thing about backup plans
There’s a tension in all of this between the good strategy of having options, and keeping programs wam that you’d never actually choose. The latter becomes more like managing anxiety, not managing a recruiting process.
The programs worth keeping on your list are the ones where the answer to “excited or settling?” is genuinely unclear because you don’t know enough yet. Those deserve more investment - a visit, a deeper conversation, more time.
The ones where you already know the answer? Give them the courtesy of an honest exit. Give yourself the courtesy of focusing your energy where it belongs.
My Strategy Sessions will be starting back up in September - one hour, three topics of your choosing, direct help with your recruiting process.