When your help becomes a problem
College coaches evaluate parents too. Here's what they see.
You’re trying to help.
You’re invested in her success. You’ve spent thousands on club fees, showcases, travel. You’ve rearranged your schedule around tournaments for years. You want to make sure she doesn’t miss opportunities because she forgot to send an email or didn’t know the right thing to say.
So you step in. You help. You manage.
And she won’t tell you this is a problem, because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, or because she’s genuinely overwhelmed and welcomes the help, or because she doesn’t realize yet how it’s affecting her recruiting.
But college coaches notice.
And what they see isn’t “supportive parent helping their daughter succeed.”
What they see is “this athlete might not be ready for the independence of college.”
The signals you’re sending without realizing it
Scenario 1: The Zoom call
Your daughter has a call with a college coach. You sit just off-camera, ready to help. The coach notices her eyes shift toward you when difficult questions come up. She hesitates before answering - waiting for a signal.
What the coach thinks: “Is she going to need permission to make decisions? Will the parents be texting me about playing time?”
What actually helps: Ask beforehand if she wants you there.
If yes, then fully participate in the call, but let her drive it. If no, tell her you can’t wait to hear about it afterwards, then leave the room.
If she’s nervous, prep her with a few practice questions - then let her have the conversation alone.
Scenario 2: The email
Three days after a showcase, she still hasn’t sent a follow-up email. You send it for her. Or draft it. Or text the coach directly.
What the coach thinks: “Something seems off. Did the parent write this? Will I be communicating with the parents instead of the athlete in college?”
What actually helps: Remind her once. Offer to proofread. Then step back. If she doesn’t send it, ask what’s stopping her. If she’s overwhelmed, help her build a system to track deadlines. If it’s not a priority, that’s information. But the email stays hers. That’s how she learns.
Scenario 3: The club coach conversation
You spent $1,000 on a tournament where she only played about a third of the minutes. You request a meeting to understand why.
What the club coach thinks: “This family doesn’t understand that I’m balancing team success, player development, and college coach exposure for everyone.”
What actually helps: Ask your daughter first if she wants you there. If yes, support her in asking the questions - but she does the asking. This is practice for the conversations she’ll have alone with college coaches about playing time.
The pattern coaches recognize
College coaches see hundreds of families go through recruiting. They know the difference between support and takeover.
And if they can’t quite tell now, you’ll definitely give it away on their visit if you’re too involved.
Support looks like this: Parent is present and engaged. Asks clarifying questions when invited - especially regarding finances, in which they are the main stakeholder in most cases. But defers to the athlete for decisions and communication. Shows up for logistics but doesn’t manage the athlete’s calendar or relationships.
Takeover looks like this: Parent drives the conversation. Sends the emails. Makes the decisions. Speaks for the athlete when the athlete could speak for themselves. Handles every detail so the athlete never has to try.
The first signals: “This athlete will be fine when she gets to campus. She’s learned to self-advocate. Her parents raised her to be independent.”
The second signals: “This is going to be a problem. The athlete hasn’t learned to handle her own stuff. The parents are going to be texting me about everything.”
And here’s what matters: They might recruit the first athlete even if she’s slightly less talented than the second. Because they know the first one will be easier to coach, more resilient when things get hard, less likely to have parent drama interfering with team dynamics.
What she actually needs from you
Your job in recruiting isn’t to do less - it’s to do different things. Things that build her capacity instead of replacing it.
Help her create a recruiting calendar so she knows what’s coming. Proofread her emails if she asks. Be a sounding board when she’s making decisions. Support her when recruiting gets hard.
What you don’t do: Text coaches on her behalf. Make her recruiting decisions for her. Speak for her on calls. Fight her battles with club coaches. Manage her calendar instead of teaching her to manage it.
This week, ask her directly: “How can I best support your recruiting without taking it over?” Listen to the answer. You’ll probably be surprised.
Then adjust based on what she tells you. If she has a call coming up, prep her but don’t sit in. If she needs to send emails, remind her once and proofread if asked. Let her send the imperfect email. That’s learning.
Why this matters
You’ve managed her schedule for 15 years. It’s hard to step back. But she’s about to be on her own - needing to advocate for herself with professors, coaches, teammates. The recruiting process is practice for that. If you do it for her now, she doesn’t get the practice.
Your daughter won’t tell you when your help crosses into takeover. But coaches see it. And it affects how they evaluate her as a recruit.
The goal isn’t to do less. It’s to help her build the skills she’ll need when you’re not there. That’s what she actually needs from you, even if she doesn't know how to ask.